Am I afraid of having sex? Everyone around repeats, “Sex is great, it is wonderful, we must have it as often as possible,” and so on. It seems to us that all mature people have already grasped this truth. But it turns out that many of us have a fear of sex anyway, which doesn’t help completely relax and sometimes even doesn’t allow having normal sex. Okay, almost everyone feels some trepidation and even fear in anticipation of the first intimate contact with a new partner. It is normal if you say, “I am afraid of having sex” in this case. But there is another, a more severe form of such fears, which makes people either completely abandon sexual relations or enter into them with great tension. And this is a fairly common situation. So, what is it and how to deal with it?
Signs of Being Afraid of Sex
In our society, it is considered that people dream only about having sex with this or that pretty young lady or a handsome guy. They say that all everyone is obsessed with sex, and they strive for it, having become acquainted with some attractive person. In fact, it's not like that. Often, people are afraid of sex and intimacy. And we have the most common signs what people experience in such a situation.
- They are afraid of failure. This fear lives in the subconscious of almost all women and men who are afraid of sex, but it becomes especially acute when this has already happened.
- They are afraid of being worse than previous lovers. This kind of fear usually appears when somebody colorfully describes the sexual virtues of exes.
- They are afraid to demonstrate the imperfections of bodies. Men feel embarrassed about their appearance no less than women do. They are afraid of the fact that a woman may be disappointed when she sees a pot-belly instead of a muscular body.
- They are afraid of too fast orgasm. Every second man is afraid of sex and has a doubt that he will not have time to satisfy his partner. That is why many of them turn down sex.
- They are afraid of responsibility. This is usually the fear of anger on the part of the partner’s parents and the fear of a partner's pregnancy.
- They are afraid to scare a partner with some sort of sexual preference. This is quite understandable fear of people who were told that sex is a “missionary position” only.
- They are afraid of strong-willed smart partners. In this case, the fear arises both because of the struggle for leadership and the fear that leader status will be lost after sexual relations.
- They are afraid of becoming infected with a sexually transmitted disease. Some people think that nothing can protect them from STD.
My Wife Is Afraid of Sex
Sometimes it is serious and understandable, for example, rape, childhood psychological trauma, which requires serious work with a specialist, young age and lack of experience, which means that over time, the fear of intimate contact will pass by itself. But if your woman is not 16 years old and you love each other, then the causes of refusing of sex may be quite different. We have 7 reasons why women are afraid to have sex:
1. Bad experience. Sex is usually avoided by those who have experienced unpleasant, painful or degrading contact. The past can’t be changed, but we can reconsider our attitude towards it. You have to explain to your woman that this is just a bad experience, and everything will be different at another time, with another man, even in another place and with a different mood. Everything will be good. The main thing, as psychologists advise, is to gently but frankly talk with your partner about what she doesn’t like in sex, what scares her, what she wants to do and so on. Take initiative. Then one day a positive experience will replace a negative one. Sex is a creative process – a process of search and cognition. And in this sense, all that is needed is trust in a partner, a lubricant (which will help overcome stiffness without pain), and positions, in which a woman can control movements.
2. Consequences of sex. We are aware that contraception doesn’t provide guarantees that there will not be a baby after 9 months, and sexually transmitted diseases will be avoided. That is why there is the result – no sex - no problem. There is only one way to get rid of this fear: carefully choose partners and reliable contraceptives. After all, it is strange to be afraid of getting pregnant or getting sick, letting everything run its course. Again, the positive experience of sex without negative consequences will free a woman from anxiety.
3. Rejection to perceive own body. “My wife is afraid of sex” – many men say, but sometimes, it is quite understandable. Modern technology can lower the self-esteem of even the most self-confident woman. They are surrounded by millions of retouched images of perfect bodies. And even in porn movies, they show the perfect picture. Not surprisingly, women are afraid to appear too thin or fat, awkward or too mannered, in a word, imperfect. Yes, of course, nudity is not the most natural state for a modern person, therefore, such a constraint is natural. But it shouldn’t turn into fear. So, explain to your girl that if a man makes a choice, then he wants exactly this girl with all her imperfections.
4. Physiological features. The birth of a child is a happy event, but it is capable of harming an intimate life. After giving birth, women think whether their genitals have the same size and whether their men get pleasure now. That is why they say, “I am afraid of sex.” But muscles tend to stretch and contract. And, as a rule, they quickly come back to normal. In any case, Kegel exercises will improve sexual sensations.
5. Strict upbringing. For those who were brought up in severity, many things were forbidden. When people grow up, shame for their own sensuality develops. We often are not even aware of this. Sexologists and psychologists have clarified that most women, who turned to psychotherapists about the lack of enjoying sex and orgasm, had been punished by parents for erotic games, masturbation, and just interest in sex. Children have a strong sense of shame and guilt. They refuse any sexual activity, even fantasy. Often, the parents’ attempt to save a child turns out to be completely sexual ignorance. Girls grow up with the conviction that sex is something dirty, forbidden, unknown, and therefore, terrible.
6. Self-doubt. “What if a man doesn’t like how I caress him? What if I kiss him badly? What if I look funny in the cowgirl position?” For some reason, in women’s views, to be a good lover is to lift the legs behind the ears, moan, roll eyes and assure a man that everything is cool. But let your woman understand that in men’s opinion, to be a good mistress is, first of all, to sincerely enjoy the process, want a partner with every fiber, tell him what to do in order to finish together and not be afraid to experiment. Women often think that they don’t match the ideal. Of course, all men like to look at Monica Bellucci, Angelina Jolie or Kim Kardashian, but this doesn’t mean that they dream of being in the same bed with them. If a girl likes herself, then neither Monica nor Angie is a competitor.
7. Awkwardness. Sex is what we've inherited from our ancestors, a process that is extremely archaic, built on instincts and animal principles, which is not easy to control. For example, an orgasm can provoke strange and sometimes ridiculous reactions of the body, including fainting, shortness of breath, female ejaculation (which, for some reason, many girls are afraid of). The orgasm significantly strains and then relaxes all the muscles of the body, including the retaining sphincters. Some women are shy about it and can’t relax during the process. That is why many of them are likely to refuse sex than feel awkwardness. Many women are just very shy. All sorts of dirty words, whispers and moans sound very relevant only in the erotic scenes of Hollywood films. But in life, everything is somehow awkward. What if a man thinks something bad about her? Give your woman advice – relax and get pleasure.
How to Stop Being Afraid of Sex
In order to overcome the fear of sex, you need to identify the cause of this fear. Having understood the cause of your fear, you can begin to get rid of it. There is no perfect “recipe” – everyone has their own method of dealing with this fear. Nevertheless,
Go to a specialist. A psychoanalyst or sexologist will help you understand your fears and get rid of them. You just have to explain your problem, saying, “I’m afraid to have sex” and, most likely, your problem will be solved soon.
Get the necessary information. Someone else’s experience is no less useful than your own. Therefore, it will be useful to study books and other materials on psychology, real stories and ask for the opinion of your friends.
Accept your fears. Fear instinctively arises before the unknown and incomprehensible. Having understood the prerequisites that cause fear of intimacy, you can accept and realize all your problem points. Thus, you will not be afraid of sex anymore.
Don’t be afraid to talk with a partner. The more you clarify the issues immediately before the act, the less fear will remain.
Create a romantic atmosphere. You need candles, music, dim lights, and a room where no one will disturb you.
Get closer with a partner on a spiritual level. Spend more time together. Remember, a loving person will not harm.
Engage in sexual relations only when both of you are ready for it. Don’t drink too much alcohol and be sure to use contraceptives to prevent unwanted pregnancy
Afraid of Anal Sex
It is surprising how many pleasures people are ready to give up just because they can’t overcome their fear of the unknown. Many people are afraid of anal sex for several reasons. According to statistics, compiled by the Kinsey Institute, about 50% of people experience fear of anal sex. At the same time, 29% have had this kind of intimate interaction at least once in their life. The fear of anal sex is based mostly not on facts but on “horror stories.” However, if you carefully examine the issue, it becomes clear that there is nothing terrible in it. But people think that:
- Anal sex is dirty. However, there are a few things you can do to minimize possible troubles, associated with odor and secretions.
- Anal sex is painful. Discomfort can’t be avoided. Without a doubt, it can bring amazing sensations with the right approach. The truth is that anal sex can also bring pleasure by stimulating a multitude of nerve endings, located around the anus.
- Anal sex leads to muscle strain. The human body is quite self-contained, and the work of some of its parts is regulated even when we don’t suspect it. However, in order for the muscles to recover, it is necessary to have the interval (at least 10 days) between sexual intercourses.