A Guide to Healthy Casual Relationships
Until recently, most of us thought that sex is impossible without love. Dating, flirtation, flowers, sweets, kisses, and only after that the most hidden - intimate affinity. The rapid 21st century has changed standards in many aspects of our life, including intimacy. There is even a new phrase that reveals the essence of these changes – casual relationships.
What is casual dating and how does it work?
First of all, don't confuse non-binding relationships with sex for one night and seducing women out of sporting interest, called pickup. After a one-time intimacy, people may never meet again, while casual relationships can be quite lengthy but completely prospectless.
In the modern world, people very often practice casual relationships. Just two adults agree on periodic meetings, usually of an intimate nature. The essence of the psychology of such relations is that each of the partners reserves its own personal space and doesn't encroach on the freedom of another one, binding agreement with the conditions: not to get used to each other or advertise their relationship, but to warn in the case of the appearance of a third person and break off dating.
Refusal of formalities allows to be detached from the person and to preserve independence, giving nothing in return. It would seem that everything is very clear. But there is always a risk. Let's take a closer look at such difficult type of relationships, the reasons and consequences.
As a rule, at the beginning, casual relationships develop according to a specified scenario. It can't be called a normal form of an affinity of two people, although they conceal a lot of temptations. Random relations without true intimacy can't become a substitute for real feelings. Their nature doesn't imply future, development, and prospects. Then a natural question arises. Why do they exist? What does casual dating mean to people? What makes them agree to such an adventure?
Why do we want casual relationships?
Some men and women explain their desire to have sexual intercourse without commitment by lack of time, excessive availability or the consequences of the prior love experience where they were victims. At first glance, this point of view is understandable. But the most important thing is hushed up: the truth is that such people need just sex, without any far-reaching plans, responsibilities, and obligations.
Nowadays, in the plans of some single-minded young people, the creation of a family is at the very last place. Career, education, traveling, financial well-being - these are alluring goals that push back love and marriage. Men and women knowingly don't want to burden themselves with serious relationships. Free love has become a convenient pastime, especially for those who devote themselves to business, science, or career. Sex is remembered as a detente for the body. At first glance it turns out to be very comfortable - there are no superfluous thoughts and jealousy. There are complete freedom and no obligations. If you need to break up - everything happens without emotions and suffering.
Usually, the initiators of such guest relations are men, usually infantile, selfish, outgoing ones who are not ready to take responsibility. If a casual relationship is offered by a woman, then she, most likely, will prove to be a loving lady, or a lady intending to keep a man at any cost. It can be a tough woman, a damned wretch who, under the pretext of casual relations, intends to land a particular man. She is absolutely sure that she can control the situation.
Also, young russian women, inexperienced in love, can also agree to casual relationships - for fear of losing a man if they refuse him, or they just hope to change the situation in the nearest future and set the relations on a serious track. However, psychologists assure these hopes are doomed to failure because it is almost impossible to re-educate and remodel a man who is inclined to something commitment-free.
Most often people who enter into such relationships are infantile individuals who are not accustomed or unwilling to take on at least some responsibility for other people. What kind of psychological trauma has led to this need to be understood in each specific case, but the fact remains that such people don't aspire to serious relations.
Another category of people who prefer casual relationships are the so-called intimophobes: people who were once so emotionally traumatized that since that time they have been afraid to experience such pain again. Unlike the first category, such people can be "tamed" by demonstrating that there are other relationships that can bring not only pain but also joy. It's difficult to fight with infantilism, but it’s also possible to re-educate a person, the point is to set such a goal.
But it must be remembered that any relationship implies an exchange of energy. The risk of energy exhaustion is especially high in women. Female psychology is arranged in such way that in any relationship a girl will give all energy she has got. And if she doesn't receive protection, care, and attention in return, she will become depressed. Only for men, a casual relationship is a dream. Why do guys want casual relationships? Sex at any time, no financial and emotional investments, no responsibilities. Women are arranged differently. Initially, such a connection can be an excellent opportunity to gain sexual experience - to know yourself and try something new. But eventually, she will cease to enjoy the intimate life. Because she will pass every meeting through herself and feel that you use her.
A man, as a rule, is far from such experiences. The nature of his psychology is different from that of women. He may not even notice a change in the behavior of his partner. This leads to the fact that the discontent of a woman grows like a soap bubble and bursts at the most unexpected moment. This leads the partner into confusion. He sincerely doesn’t understand the causes of irritation and their nature. And, therefore, can’t cope with this problem, which has a great impact on how long your casual relationships will last. The best way out he can come up with is to find another candidate for casual relationships.
How to have a healthy casual relationship: rules and advice
If you are one of those who don’t dream of a great and bright love but are ready to plunge into relationships without superfluous obligations and dramas, we wish you good luck and introduce some casual relationships rules.
Don’t stay overnight
And don’t let your partner do it. Your relationship should be strictly regulated. All breakfasts, dinners, shopping trips and movies should be left for the fans claiming your heart. Otherwise, you risk plunging headlong into the illusion of a relationship that your partner is unlikely to support.
Control your feelings
If you both don't plan to turn a fleeting intrigue into a long and lasting relationship, keep your feelings in check. One wrong step or an amorous SMS can break your communication.
Draw a border
Always remember that sex binds you, not love and affection. You are driven solely by physiology, so don't let feelings interfere in your communication anyhow.
Don’t forget about love
Even if at this stage of life you abandoned the relationship and preferred sex without commitment, it doesn’t forbid you to meet other people, fall in love and dream about a wedding. The main thing is that these feelings should be caused by another person, not your lover.
Don’t control your partner
If in the usual relationships control is considered a manifestation of tenderness and care, then in this case control is an attempt to capture a personal territory. A casual relationship doesn't imply jealousy, claims and any mutual interest, except sexual.
Remember about protection
It is better to choose methods of contraception together, so you can determine the necessary level of protection. Remember, your relationship doesn’t involve exclusivity.
Keep the secret
Don't talk about your relationship with your family and friends. Not everyone can accept and understand this way of life. In order not to spend weeks in explanations, keep your mouth shut.
How do casual relationships end?
In fact, such relationships end when casual dating gets serious. When one begins to feel an emotional attachment to a partner, who in his or her turn doesn't want any serious relations or simply isn’t ready for them. In this case, lovers decide to part ways.
Casual relationship often turns into a problem partly because of the fact that the desires of partners don’t coincide. However, the reason can also lie in the lack of communication - both in bed and outside it. Most people don’t limit the relationships with some clear rules. That’s why they may unintentionally hurt the feelings of a partner. In 2014, researchers compared the patterns of discussions on sexual topics among 190 people in casual relationships and 186 people in traditional romantic relationships. It turned out that people of the first group rarely discuss their sexual needs and desires, seldom talk about sexually transmitted diseases and means of preventing pregnancy.
The only thing in what the first group has overtaken the second is the conversations about their previous sexual experience. Why do people who are in casual relationships talk so little? Partly, it may be due to the fact that a lot of couples always drink alcohol on a date. Despite the fact that alcohol destroys sexual barriers, it can also affect communication and make us take less sober decisions. However, some people just think that communication creates an excessive proximity, and the establishment of rules and restrictions complicates everything.
Think out whether to enter into such relationships
To maintain a casual relationship or not is your personal choice. If you see only positive aspects of such relationships and you are absolutely satisfied with everything, then, as they say, why not. If you are an impressionable and easily vulnerable person or you basically don’t want to enter into this kind of relationship believing that it’s insulting or humiliating– avoid it.