Cheating happens for various reasons and is accompanied by different experiences. It’s better to understand what exactly happens in a couple in case of infidelity. Marriage and civil unions imply sexual exclusivity. It is this condition that makes partners special and unique to each other. It also creates the prerequisites for safe attachment - one that gives a sense of security and confidence and does not bring pain. And violation of the agreement on sexual exclusivity leads to devastating consequences.
Nevertheless, cheating does occur. However, their reasons are different, as well as those experiences that arise in this couple. As all specific forms of cheating on your partner require a special approach, we will try to shed light on how to fight them or even detect grounds for them in advance.
Why Do People Cheat?
According to a team of researchers, there are 4 main reasons people cheat.
Lack of feelings ("I fell out of love with my partner.")
Not surprisingly, most of the men who were secretly looking for single woman online admitted that they had stopped loving their partners. The statement, “I don't love you anymore,” although it sounds straightforward, can be just an excuse. Moreover, the problem may be in a completely different way, for example, lack of communication, boredom or a banal loss of interest.
Lack of devotion ("I was not completely devoted to my partner.")
Many people entering into a relationship are not particularly serious. For them, the relationship does not carry any obligations. This becomes a problem only if their partners do not share this point of view. It goes without saying that the happiness of partners directly depends on their level of devotion. The lack of devotion and intimacy, in turn, will sooner or later lead to a break.
Low self-esteem ("I wanted to raise my reputation.")
Another reason for "Why do partners cheat?" lies in the insecurities. Women and men who decide to cheat because of low self-esteem mistakenly believe that relationships with strangers will give them confidence. Some may commit such an act to raise their reputation. Such cases are more typical of young people who think it will make them cool among their peers, in fact, all down-to-earth people will only lose respect towards them after this. They want to meet girls now or start secretly dating a guy and do not think about the further effects of such betrayal towards their partner.
Random circumstances ("I was drunk and could not/could think sensibly.")
There are frequent cases when random circumstances take effect, and many people use them to find the answer to the question, "Why do cheaters cheat?" A person simply finds themselves at the wrong time in the wrong place and does the wrong thing. Alcohol and some narcotic substances make a person forget about the prohibitions and cloud their mind. The likelihood that a person will make the wrong choice and cheat on their partner increases significantly.
Types of Cheating in a Relationship
In the modern world, where people think more and more about the sense of life, and relationships mean not only simple cohabiting or marrying the woman with a bigger dowry, love is something more. It is about a deep connection that appears between two people who open their hearts to each other. That is why various actions can be considered different forms of cheating in a relationship. You need to be careful while opening your soul to another person or texting someone online too much. This may cause your partner to suffer, let's see why.
It has turned out that virtual infidelity is not uncommon and, to one degree or another, happens in every third family. These types of adultery are becoming increasingly popular because of their lightness and "safety." You don’t need to plan anything, reinvent a wheel, spend money on hotels and be afraid that common acquaintances will see you - just set a password on the phone.
Some do not even try to hide their relationships on the Web because they do not consider them something shameful, maybe they are just not aware of the basic forms of cheating in a relationship definition.
Today, the Internet has fundamentally destroyed the superiority of men. A woman on the World Wide Web is no longer waiting on the sidelines when one of the men will pay attention to her and deign to get to know her. If she is disappointed in her husband or wants to take revenge on him, then on social networks, on dating sites or somewhere else, she seeks a “macho” without any problems too. She is ready to have this affair distance, and without any remorse, she flirts for pleasure. What, supposedly, is shameful here, it's not all real?
In general, in the virtual world, the concept of cheating, unfortunately, becomes the same anachronism as the words piety or decency. In real life, it is a very bitter word that brings pain, illness, serious psychological trauma, or even death. On the Internet, there are many opportunities to get away from this problem, to regard it as pampering and not notice it, and therefore to maintain at least the appearance of family well-being.
Well, it turns out that with the advent of the Internet into our lives, you can comfortably, without spending money, nerves and energy, take a break from "family bonds" and get involved in one of the forms of cheating in a marriage.
Now it is well known that the virtual network has become the most common form of adultery. There is a great danger in the simplicity with which you can easily acquire a new object of flirting, and it is just as easy to carry on erotic correspondence while being in the family. Although such flirting does not grow into something more serious and does not become real, the psychological consequences of virtual cheating can be devastating. First of all, for family life.
Any millennial you ask about, "What are different forms of cheating?" will answer straightaway that emotional cheating is the new ultimate form of mental betrayal. Such infidelity is also cheating because the partner spends time and energy on another, as a result, relationships begin to degrade. It starts happening more often due to the Internet and social networks. It’s easier to create a fantasy than to work on building relationships. We have an open relationship but when one communicates and the other does not participate at all, we know that this can damage the union. If you have close contact with someone else, and you don’t notice it, this is a dangerous path, and there is no turning back.
Different forms of cheating are any relationship with strangers, closer than friendship. Unfortunately, this is a very vague concept because each person and each couple have their ideas about what is permissible. It is important to discuss with the partner the rules for both, including what should be considered cheating, and to follow them. If at some point, you feel that you don’t want to abide by the rules, ask yourself why.
Emotional cheating is when a person is married or in a serious relationship, but gives someone else more time, energy and feelings than their partner. A man shares his innermost thoughts with this “friend,” he prefers to turn to him for support, warmth and emotional feedback. In other words, he is looking for emotions on the side.
It is based on fantasies and often happens when we create new relationships to avoid solving the problems that we associate with family, work, relationships. We run away into a fantasy in which, as it seems to us, we are understood.
Most resort love affairs belong to this type of cheating: we meet a stranger (a sense of suspense intensifies if there is a language barrier between us), we have no responsibility, and the attraction that has arisen against this background translates into a fantasy of a special understanding. What is cheating in a relationship? Physical cheating has the pretty much clearest concept – a kiss, sex, petting or masturbating another person is considered a sexual contact. Some live for many years in a double relationship, being involved in such contacts. This happens more often with men because they more easily tolerate bifurcation.
Such cheating occurs when relationships with a regular partner are strained, there are many mutual insults or a great distance. The partner does not feel understanding, responsiveness from the other side. As a reaction, a feeling of protest, anger, resentment arises. It is their cheating that expresses, “If you do not appreciate me, here you are!”
The cheating person may not feel that the partner is important for them: ongoing relationships lose value, there is a desire to justify their behavior with the behavior of another.
A cheater, watching, for example, television, does not pay attention to what they say there, they are interested in the figures and faces of the speakers, their sexuality. Walking along the street, talking with people, being in any public place, a man sees people around him, not as interlocutors, his employees or just passers-by. No, he assesses each as a possible object for his future lascivious fantasies. It's impossible to call such behavior cheating, but you can forget about intimacy and understanding in the family - the partner has become addicted.
It might be the most protected form of virtual cheating. There are even many supporters of the idea that sometimes you need to start a short-term romance on the side since this makes marital relationships only stronger. Maybe. But be that as it may, between Internet lovers, in any case, there is an emotional closeness that makes the defendants frank with each other, destroying sincere and trusting relationships in their families. This means that there can be no talk of love and respect both during a long erotic correspondence and one-time sex.
Chexting, unlike Internet cheating, is narrower in sense. It doesn't mean commenting, putting likes or stalking another person's social media account. It involves having a long-term conversation with another person, often of a sexual character, communication about pretty intimate topics, both in terms of having virtual sex to just discussing mental issues that worry you, but you did not tell your spouse about them.
The desire to have an affair on the side (even on the Internet) means that the wife (or husband) is not happy with something, and, instead of finding the strength and patience to correct the situation, she chooses an easy, comfortable and even pleasant but the vile path of having secret correspondence. What is considered cheating in a relationship? After all, any romance on the side - in life or on the Internet - is a violation of those oaths and promises that were made at the very beginning of family life, this is the faithful trust of a partner. So, in any case, virtual cheating is as treacherous as real.
Even without getting in touch with a virtual mistress or lover, and just regularly visiting "adult sites," a lover of risk adjusts their psyche to the possibility of real cheating, the imagination helpfully offers them various sexual fantasies, which for some reason, they may not dare to realize in family life. Such fantasies, bringing pleasure, become bolder and more sophisticated each time, and, in the end, they turn into the same need as alcohol or drugs.
Main Signs of Cheating
Probably the only thing people want to know more than what classifies cheating in a relationship is how to detect a cheater and realize that something is going on behind their back. Before you ask your partner a final crucial question, here are some signs that may persuade you into thinking you are being cheated on.
Any person will suspect something if the partner starts carrying the phone with them, cannot stand the slightest touch, speaks on the phone in the bathroom, etc. But do not immediately think about the bad. Ask them and watch the reaction, if they lose their temper and begin to shout at you, it may not lead to anything good.
Changes in appearance and behavior
Did your partner begin to look especially good although you never criticized them concerning clothes or style? Buying new clothes and implementing something new into the image is not strange. But before doing this, people usually consult their spouses, after all, one of the people they are doing it for are them.
Spending less time at home
They will come up with excuses like “meetings at work,” “overtime,” “business trips,” “going out with friends” and so on. So, if you can, you should really check, call their friends, take a walk to their work in the middle of the day, suddenly call. You have a right to this.
Lies and excuses
Constant evenings spent at work, missions, negotiations, unjustified and justified explanations. They started disappearing somewhere or acting strange. You may ask about it, and the way they react will speak for them. If you want to find out exactly where such confusion comes from, do not get hysterical, but calmly ask questions and point out inconsistencies in the stories. Everything will become obvious.
Changes in attitude towards you
A strange switch towards another vector of behavior with a partner (for no apparent reason) is a very clear sign of cheating, but it can manifest itself radically. Because sometimes a person can be unusually attentive, give very expensive gifts, say compliments. In sexual life, you will find a fountain of new emotions. Usually, this happens if they do not consider the possibility of separation or any changes in your relationship.
How to Catch a Partner Who Cheats
If you think about how to catch your spouse cheating, it means that a crisis has come into your relationship. It seems to you that there are some changes in behavior, and this is alarming. But before chopping it off, we’ll try to understand everything in detail. If your partner soars from unearthly happiness for unknown reasons, or, conversely, behaves strangely, then you should think about what the reason is. Before making unreasonable charges, observe what is happening from the side and study their behavior. How to bite lies? Conversations have become strained, there has been indifference, alienation, perhaps even the withdrawal or ignorance. There was a feeling that you live like ordinary neighbors, under one roof, since your partner is always busy with anything, except you.
THIS DOES NOT HAPPEN IN ONE DAY; EVERYTHING TAKES TIME AND DEVELOPS INCREASINGLY.
This situation is inherent in many families due to the lived years together and against the background of domestic difficulties. But, if this, in your opinion, happened suddenly, against the background of harmony, perhaps your partner had a secret life in which there is no place for their spouse. It is worth paying attention to:
In addition to the crisis, what is happening between you, you will find out that your beloved one has new interests, things that are carefully hidden, and any ways to find out about them are completely suppressed.
For a long time, you had a trusting relationship, intimacy, and then suddenly something happened, so disturbing thoughts on how to find out treason do not leave.
Tips to Overcome Cheating and Stay Together
It is not so easy to live happily ever after if you have discovered that your partner did such a disgusting thing behind your back. If you find inner strength and readiness to forgive, and your spouse is sincerely begging you claiming they will change for the better, there are some pieces of advice for being cheated on.
1. The deceived partner should not blame themselves for what happened. There is something that is subject to our control, and something that goes beyond our capabilities and resources. By completely taking the blame on ourselves, we can even provoke repeated infidelities, giving another a kind of “absolution.”
Of course, there is a difference between a single betrayal and a double life lead by one of the spouses. Learning about long-term communication is a hard hit. But even in this case, lessons can be learned by abandoning the role of the victim, which the situation itself imposes on us. Being a victim in our eyes and believing that we have the right to behave like a victim, we can fuel the behavior of the “pursuer” with this emotional energy.
2. At first, the one who was cheated experiences severe pain, and at this time, it is difficult to reflect and analyze. But then the pain subsides a little, although it does not go away at all. Then it's time to think about the reasons that caused the betrayal.
3. There is enough to find the guilty person, point out their guilt and make them repent so that all problems can be resolved. Cheating is not something that one of the partners does in relation to another, it’s what happens to the couple. The causes of infidelity, as well as the possibility of overcoming the crisis, should be sought in the story of two.
4. Tracking down, revenge. This vicious circle is difficult to break. Adultery causes pain as if the deceived partner was not good enough to deserve love. But if they remain in this state, they will not be able to develop within the framework of the couple. To take on the part of the responsibility for what happened is to become the master of one's life again.
Responsibility frees one from guilt. We understand that the reason for what happened is not what we are by nature but what we did or, on the contrary, did not. Staying together is not an end in itself or a synonym for success. When both partners try to simply act as if nothing happened, silence becomes a defining feature of the union. Under these conditions, marriage can technically survive, but family life is dying.
5. But talking and understanding each other does not mean finding out all the details of the past connection. Excessive knowledge can be too painful and interfere with reconciliation. Spouses should not require a clinically accurate and inevitably painful report on what happened, but rather wonder what sense he or she attaches to infidelity, what this situation can teach them.
Those couples who manage to get out of this test with renewed vigor enter a more mature relationship. They accept the idea that bodily infidelity can coexist with the fidelity of the heart, and together they try to solve the problems that arise.
This crisis may even strengthen marriage and take relationships to a new level, but there is a condition: one forgives another, and they sincerely want to be forgiven and ask for forgiveness. And this is not necessarily the one who was cheating, it is a mutual process in which a culture of psychological contact develops.